It is the semester break. I have been spending a lot of time in my room instead of working. Working has been one of my initial and most-looked-forward-to plans before this, but thinking of how my family has always been the 'last-minute-plan' people, i chose not to. 

I wonder if i'm the only one who does this or has ever been in this situation..

When i'm alone, i tend to think of the future or the past. Let's just say, i'm thinking of the past.

I would usually think of the bitter moments. Moments where i think i could have done better. Moments that i regret of doing some gestures. I'd only question myself on my behaviors that i regret. The whole scene will play again at the back of my mind. It kind of feels like the scene in Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 2 where Harry sees the whole life of Snape.

If i were to recall things that i regret in public, people would think that i'm crazy. Why? I tend to utter the improvised words that i would say out loud. Just imagine me sitting at a corner, glaring at things, then all of a sudden, i talk to myself. Wouldn't you just stare at for 2 seconds swiftly move away?

Secondly, when i think of the moments that i hate and actually feel the things that i felt before, i would cry or scream. When i get mad at someone, i would usually walk away. When i'm in taking my bath, i think of the things that i could have done. Some interventions through the hard way, maybe? A rock solid punch in the face would do.

Thinking of those memories always make me scream. Cry. Regret.

I'm not crazy, am i?

I'm not the only one who is in the situation, am i?

Please tell me i'm not.


Unknown said…
it means you're alive, beautiful. :)

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